irritable and a little snappy

It was sort of inevitable that I’d probably not be in the best of moods this week, but I still don’t like it when I take it out on those around me.

I got irritated with my Mum today during our WhatsApp call. She was asking about my day, and I had stuff to share. Although, it wasn’t long into my sharing that the focus of the conversation was quickly switched towards life closer to home. Not even realising that she’d interrupted and taken over, she picked up on my change in facial expressions and started questioning what was wrong, assuming that my irritation was in relation to what she was talking about, and immediately getting defensive over her words.

Living so far away from my family, I do feel very disconnected at times. I chat to my Mum and sister daily, multiple times a day, but it feels like my insights into their world are more and more like watching a TV show or listening to a podcast, rather than living as a part of it. It’s also become clear through listening during multiple conversations that I’m not a part of their world, and that I am distanced. That’s really sad and tough. It’s no one’s fault, it’s circumstantial but still tough. If there is blame to be given, I’m the one who moved away.

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself today, and maybe that’s playing a part in these feelings, but I do feel less important than those back home. Those back home are struggling and have been dealing with sickness, death and everything that comes with it on a daily basis. They’re hideous circumstances that I’ve not had to face day in and day out, but I think I’m suffering because I’ve not had to deal with it. I feel a bit numb to it all, and I don’t think that’s healthy right now.

I’m not for one second suggesting that my struggles around my emotions are worse than those of my family back home, but they’re very different. They’re different emotions and struggles based on a very different set of circumstances and I feel quite alone in that. And it feels crappy that when I try to share and engage, they get pushed aside in favour of more local, collective emotional struggles.

I’m feeling very selfish, complaining about someone else’s selfishness. We’re all struggling right now and clashing at times. That’s not anyone’s fault either, that’s also circumstances.

Part of me wants to delete this post, but the journey of writing it feels good, so even if I no longer agree with everything I’ve written, there’s some value here.

Daily Overview

Work Journal:

Personal achievements:

  • I helped my son through yet another covid test today. Oh my, how he hates them, but he’s super brave and we have our routine down now.
  • Finalised my Dad’s obituary with my sister today.
  • Started working on my new weekly planner.

Tomorrow’s plan:

  • Plan a day of activities for the kids.
  • Finalise my new weekly planner
  • Share funeral plans with friends and family