concerned that he has barely cried this week

I lost my Dad last Sunday, one week ago and other than a few tears on the day he died, nothing. This is no reflection on my Dad or our relationship, we were extremely close and my lack of tears and emotion certainly isn’t due to a lack of love. I’m not sure what it’s due to. I could guess.

Distance: I live 5000 miles away from my Dad, in Canada. Being so far away, my life hasn’t really changed since he died. I’m still parenting, taking the kids for Covid tests, working, cooking and playing Warzone. I’ve not been effected by the day to day changes that my sister has, I’ve not been subjected to seeing my Dad struggle during his final days, I didn’t watch him go, call the funeral home and watch then take his body away. I’m not having to clean out his home and possessions, in fact other than a few phone calls to friends and family, my life has barely changed. Maybe the circumstances surrounding the distance means that reality hasn’t quite sunk in?

Sick kids: Dad died at around 1pm EST last Sunday, just as my daughter was starting to show signs of picking up yet another bug from daycare. Sure enough, come Monday morning she was a stuffy mess and coughing well also. This meant my son didn’t attend school, since there were Covid symptoms in the house. My son also started to get sick, although not as bad, so they were both home for 3 days. This kept me pretty busy with sorting Covid tests, entertaining the kids plus lots of hugs and snuggles.

Work: Being self-employed, if I don’t work the work doesn’t get done, plus I don’t get paid. So once the kids were back to school and daycare, I have been playing catch up on work projects up to and over the weekend. That takes me to the time I’m typing this, and I haven’t really had much of a chance to think about Dad, let alone get in touch with my emotions.

Delaying: Despite all of the rational and logical explanations I’ve described above, maybe me and my brain just aren’t ready. Maybe I’m delaying because I don’t want to deal with it right now. I’m not consciously delaying – I love a good cry and would welcome some emotion to start bubbling up, but I can’t force it.

I am feeling things. I’m irritable, even angry at times and I don’t like that feeling. I don’t want my emotions to turn into anger and then get directed towards the people around me, that’s just not fair. It’s not a big problem, I’m far from a nightmare to be around, but I hope that irritability and anger the only outlet for my emotions. That would suck.

I’m sure the tears will come. The funeral is in 3 weeks, and if it’s not surfaced before then, I imagine that the funeral will be my tipping point. We’ll see.

Daily Overview

Work Journal: Push from Local WordPress Server to Staging Server

Personal achievements:

  • I took some time away from work today to hang with my wife’s brother and his family. I typically work through these visits, as weekends are my prime work days, but not today. It was nice to catch up and spend some time with my niece. She’s typically shy with me as I’m not around much, but today we had lots of fun.
  • I started this blog. Something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but never justify the time for. Writing/typing is something that helps me with my anxiety, so my plan is to pull my finger out and do this daily.
  • 18 kills in a Buy Back Solos game of Warzone. That’s a new record for me, by a large margin. I was on fire today, I just wish I had time to play a few more games.
  • I changed the rims on the car. Alloy wheels and summer tires off, steel rims with winter tiers on.

Tomorrow’s plan:

  • Counting with my daughter – teens and twenties
  • Slow cooker meal for dinner
  • Write an obituary for my Dads local newspaper
  • Create a website video walk through using Loom
  • Create a new Notion calendar/schedule